


Group Chat: Wastelanders of Really Shitty Timing

by viveriveniversumvivusvici55



Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Crack, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Group chat, Old World Blues DLC, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viveriveniversumvivusvici55/pseuds/viveriveniversumvivusvici55
Summary: Fallout: New Vegas but with phones.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Group Chat: Wastelanders of Really Shitty Timing

**Author's Note:**

> ...look. there is no fucking excuse for this. i had an idea and i needed to bring it to life.
> 
> there may be more chapters. who knows.
> 
> The fic title is inspired by a PuffinForest video.

**Group Chat: Wastelanders of Really Shitty Timing**

_BigIron_ \- Courier 6  
 _GramGram_ \- Lily  
 _FollowerNotLeader_ \- Arcade  
 _VibeCheck_ \- Veronica  
 _boone_ \- Boone  
 _WhiskeyRose_ \- Cass  
 _Vaquero_ \- Raul

Rules: 

  1. No one mocks Cass's typing style if they want access to her liquor supply
  2. If Lily calls you Jimmy, just go with it.
  3. Anyone who says anything pro-Caesar as a joke accepts whatever consequences may come from it from Boone.
  4. No texting during combat  
a. Yes, that includes you, 6. 



* * *

**FollowerNotLeader** – 6 where the fuck did you go this isn’t funny

 **VibeCheck** – What happened?

 **FollowerNotLeader** – we were checking out that drive-in outside Novac with the weird radio signal out of nowhere, playing old jazz music. There was a crashed satellite broadcasting a fucking eye on the drive in screen.

 **WhiskeyRose -** wtf

 **VibeCheck** \- an eye?

 **FollowerNotLeader -** _did i stutter_

 **VibeCheck** \- just checking! it just seems so...random?

 **FollowerNotLeader -** anyway, 6 touched it to look at the parts, because of course they did, and they disappeared.

 **boone** – Disappeared?

 **FollowerNotLeader** – literally disappeared. blue light. poof. gone. no trace. 

**Vaquero** \- You tried calling him?

 **FollowerNotLeader -** straight to voicemail. thought i'd try here.

 **GramGram** \- **JIMMY!!!!!!!!!!**

 **WhiskeyRose** \- welp 6 is dead

 **WhiskeyRose** \- who wants to drink to his name with me

 **boone** \- Not a chance.

 **FollowerNotLeader -** how do you know?

 **boone** \- 6 is too stupid to die.

 **VibeCheck** \- says the man who shares a braincell with him

 **boone** \- Exactly. That’s why I know.

 **FollowerNotLeader -** it is a cold day in hell when that reassures me

 **WhiskeyRose** \- do u want sum booze to calm down

 **FollowerNotLeader -** your typing appalls me

 **WhiskeyRose** \- u saying u don't want any whiskey

 **FollowerNotLeader -** wait no please cass

 **VibeCheck** \- you know the rules, arcade

 **FollowerNotLeader** \- alright, i'm sorry cass, please give me booze

 **WhiskeyRose** \- gr8. get back to 38

 **FollowerNotLeader -** what if they come back

 **AbueloVaquero -** I think we'll know when they come back, Arcade.

 **GramGram** \- **JIMMY!!!!!!!!!!**

_[16 hours later]_

**BigIron** – _hijo de puta_

 **WhiskeyRose** \- 6 HOLY FUCK

 **BigIron** – what is this goddamn motherfuckin wizard of oz bullshit

 **FollowerNotLeader -** 6 thank fuck you're alive

 **BigIron** \- that is up for debate

 **BigIron** \- aw you were worrying about me arcade

 **FollowerNotLeader -** never

 **WhiskeyRose -** mark this day on the calendar

 **WhiskeyRose** \- 6 backread the group chat

 **BigIron** \- rude

 **BigIron -** both of you

**GramGram - JIMMY YOU ARE OKAY WHAT HAPPENED I MISS YOU**

**BigIron -** aw i miss you too gramma

 **Vaquero** – Which part of Wizard of Oz? 

**WhiskeyRose** \- the hell is wizard of oz

 **Vaquero** \- It’s a book. I gave it to you to read.

 **WhiskeyRose** \- i used it as a coaster

 **VibeCheck** \- rude

 **WhiskeyRose** \- u think i got this far in life by reading

 **FollowerNotLeader** \- …

 **WhiskeyRose** \- arcade imma punch you in the nuts

 **Vaquero** \- but seriously mij’ito what is wizard of oz about your situation right now

 **BigIron** – ALL OF IT

 **VibeCheck** \- i think you're gonna have to elaborate

 **BigIron** \- first and foremost WHERE IS MY BRAIN?

 **FollowerNotLeader** \- …how high are you right now?

 **BigIron** – NOT AT ALL. I CAN’T GET HIGH BECAUSE SOMEONE CUT OUT MY HEART, SPINE, AND _MY FUCKING BRAIN._

 **VibeCheck** – that feels like it shouldn’t be possible

 **boone** \- 6’s life feels like it shouldn’t be possible and yet

 **BigIron** \- mood

 **WhiskeyRose** – where r u

 **BigIron** – Big MT.

 **FollowerNotLeader** – Seriously?

 **BigIron** – Arcade I woke up standing on a balcony looking out at a crater full of buildings and weird lights, i am standing on a radio tower trying to get signal looking around this crater, there’s a big booming voice on the loudspeakers reminding me where i am, and i can’t see the Strips Lights. I’m in Big MT.

 **VibeCheck** \- i can’t tell if i’m angry, scared, or jealous of you rn

 **BigIron** – for the record, this is where cazadores come from. And nightstalkers. I met the guy who made them.

 **Vaquero** – Ghoul?

 **BigIron** – Nope. Brain in a jar.

 **FollowerNotLeader** – God, I _wish_ you were high.

 **BigIron -** apparently if i wanna get out i gotta go find some stuff and then go get my brain

 **Vaquero -** then vamanos mij’ito 

**VibeCheck -** wait

 **VibeCheck** \- how are you talking without a brain

 **BigIron -** something about tesla coils

 **VibeCheck -** jealous. mark me down as jealous.

 **FollowerNotLeader -** VERONICA

 **VibeCheck -** liSTEN

Later…

**BigIron** – My brain hates me.

 **FollowerNotLeader** – i think i need you to elaborate.

 **BigIron** – my brain is in a vat of biomed gel and there’s something helping it talk to me. And it really doesn’t like me and my idiocy.

 **FollowerNotLeader** – i knew you had self-preservation instincts somewhere.

 **WhiskeyRose** – u hit on your brain didn’t u

 **FollowerNotLeader** – Why would he hit on his brain? It’s _his_ brain. He can’t do that. It makes no sense, not to mention creepy. It’d be like if he hit on himself.

 **boone** \- …

 **FollowerNotLeader** – ah I realize my error. I assumed that you had any form of standards.

 **FollowerNotLeader** \- with or without a brain in your head

 **BigIron** \- rude

 **FollowerNotLeader -** am i wrong?

 **boone -** It turned you down.

 **BigIron** – ...it turned me down.

 **FollowerNotLeader** – My mistake. You have _some_ standards when you have a brain.

 **BigIron** \- it says that it doesn’t want to go back in my head

 **VibeCheck -** wHAT

 **WhiskeyRose -** LOL

 **BigIron -** guys i’m serious it won’t come back in my head because i’m gonna get us both killed

 **boone -** Can you function without it?

 **BigIron -** i guess????? 

**FollowerNotLeader -** HOW?

 **BigIron -** science???

 **VibeCheck -** how is that an explanation

 **BigIron -** it’s good enough for everyone here

 **Vaquero -** mij’ito, can you add the brain to the chat

 **WhiskeyRose -** wut

 **Vaquero -** maybe we can help convince it

 **BigIron -** that’s a great idea

 **FollowerNotLeader -** no no no

 **BigIron -** imma do it hold on 

[[BiomedTank2010 entered the chat]]

[[BigIron changed BiomedTank2010’s name to DatsMyBrain]]

 **DatsMyBrain -** There are infinite instances for you to display your stupidity, aren’t there?

[[DatsMyBrain changed DatsMyBrain’s name to TheSmartOne]]

 **Vaquero:** Ah, I see where your ego comes from, 6.

 **TheSmartOne -** Egotism is the product of an undue sense of self-importance. This is not undue. Between the two of us, I am clearly the smart one. 

**WhiskeyRose -** ur why 6 tried to call house ‘big money daddy’?

 **boone -** And why 6 decided that the best way to deal with Benny was to sleep with him?

 **GramGram** \- **AND WHY JIMMY TRIED TO WRESTLE WITH ONE OF THOSE BIG ANGRY FRIENDS IN THE DESERT**

 **WhiskeyRose -**?

 **VibeCheck -** deathclaw

 **WhiskeyRose -** 6 u did wut

 **BigIron -** can i be excused by saying that i hadn’t slept for four days and hadn’t eaten anything but raw ant meat and psycho

 **VibeCheck -** hey @TheSmartOne are you why 6 ^^

 **TheSmartOne -** THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE DOESN’T **LISTEN TO ME!!!**

 **TheSmartOne -** I am the seat of all reason and logic in our little partnership! 

**BigIron -** wait are you why i was even considering joining caesar

 **boone -** what

 **Vaquero -** mij’ito…

 **WhiskeyRose -** ur fucked now 6

 **BigIron -** boone you are aware that i joined the ncr and that i made you a bullet with caesar’s name engraved on it just for you

 **boone -** … @TheSmartOne fucking explain yourself

 **WhiskeyRose -** if boone kills 6’s brain is that murder

 **FollowerNotLeader -** it would kill 6. so yes. 

**TheSmartOne -** At the time, I reasoned it to be a sensible way to maintain our survival. That has now changed given how 6 has alienated the Legion. We would be shot on sight.

 **boone -** If we didn’t shoot them first.

 **TheSmartOne -** Why do I bother?

 **BigIron -** and you say all the stupid shit i do is the result of glands

 **TheSmartOne -** The things you do with our body are suicidally dangerous, and if you could silence your glandular impulses, you would hear me screaming at you! 

**FollowerNotLeader -** aren’t there several very significant hormones produced in glands in the brain? 

**FollowerNotLeader -** unless you’re arguing that 6’s thyroid is responsible for their stupidity

 **VibeCheck -** and isn’t it _your_ job to regulate responses _to_ those hormones?

 **WhiskeyRose -** get it nerds

 **TheSmartOne -** …

 **FollowerNotLeader -** and isn’t it also true that your responses now are currently influenced by the lack of hormones produced by other glands in 6’s body?

 **VibeCheck -** and also that staying in biomed gel is going to degrade you over time?

 **WhiskeyRose -** do u wanna be like the weird scientist fuckos

 **TheSmartOne -** Alright, alright, you have all made your points. 

**BigIron -** look man 

**TheSmartOne -** I am your brain, not a man.

 **BigIron -** look bitch

 **WhiskeyRose -** LOL

 **TheSmartOne -** I will only accept that response because I am aware of your affection for that phrase as a gender neutral term.

 **BigIron -** I can’t think how you think. You can’t feel what I feel. What if I promise to listen to you? 

**Vaquero -**...is anyone else finding it very uncomfortable that 6 is using proper grammar?

 **boone -** It is weird as fuck.

 **TheSmartOne -** It is rather adorable that you think I believe that you’ll listen to me. 

**GramGram - JIMMY CAN YOU COME HOME YET GRANDMA MADE PUDDING**

**TheSmartOne -** However, regardless of what I want, we do not have the technology to put me back into your head. The brains do that, and if you give them the technology, the damage they will wreck across the Mojave…

 **BigIron -** You're part of me. I know you don't want to let that happen any more than I do!

 **TheSmartOne -**...Well, I suppose I do miss those endorphin rushes when we save the day. 

**WhiskeyRose -** go be a big damn hero you brainy bitch

[[TheSmartOne has left the chat]]

 **VibeCheck -** did 6 just...sweet talk their own brain?

 **FollowerNotLeader -** how do they do it

 **WhiskeyRose -** ten caps says they’ll be at 38 in 3 days

 **VibeCheck -** 4\. you’re on.

 **boone -** @GramGram is there still pudding left

**GramGram - ABSOLUTELY JIMMY**


End file.
